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Single Mothers: Not a Homogenous Group
Nov. 21, 2008N. Lukanovich
One woman's version of single motherhood can be vastly different than another's. There are categories of single mothers that beg to be named something else. It's worth noting that while 93% of single parent families are helmed by women, we should not forget the 7% who are men, and frequently overlooked. But the following paragraphs refer to typical situations, and other than the first, they reflect a society that is still bound to the traditional roles of mother and father.
The newest incarnation of the single mother is the one who shares parenting with her ex. Let's take 'Sarah'. Sarah was married to a lovely man, 'Tom', and went through a smooth divorce. Because Sarah is a working woman and because Tom wants to spend as much time as possible with his children, the kids live one week at Sarah's and one week at Tom's. They live on the same block. They are co-parents. Sarah has more free time than her married friends. Sarah's got it good. But she still calls herself a single mother, and this causes a certain amount of silent resentment amongst her women friends who think Sarah is living the life of riley while playing for sympathy at the same time.
A different group of women married men who make 'big bucks' in demanding careers. These men provide both alimony and child support. 'Tina' has the day to day job of raising the children, which is no small feat, but she doesn't have to work outside the home. Bill takes the kids every second weekend, for two weeks in the summer, and for a week during Christmas holidays. Bill is a good and loving father who has begun to resent his high powered job that requires him to work 80 hours a week and only offers 3 weeks vacation a year.
The next group of women is similar to the one above, minus the alimony. These women, like 'Sharon,' are far more stressed than Tina. Every second weekend can't come fast enough. Sharon's husband does provide minimal child support but Sharon has to work. She was married for 12 years and didn't plan on working. She has few skills and now finds herself working for a pittance as an office assistant. She wishes that she had an ex that was willing to share parenting time since she finds the demands of working and being the only parent at home more than exhausting. She can't help but think she should have been more superficial when she married, maybe checked his income tax report.
Things get worse for the next group. This is the group of women who are the sole parent. This includes women who are widows. Wealthy widows are far better off than poor widows like 'Jane'; money does not erase grief, but is certainly makes life smoother for both the widows and their children. Jane's children have to deal with a mother that is both grief stricken and frantic: she is trying to solve the impossible riddle of how to be two people at one time - the provider and the nurturer.
Then there are the women who fell for men who can not manage fatherhood on any level, but had a devil may care attitude towards procreation. 'Linda' is virtually the only parent of her children simply because her ex 'Billy' has chosen to throw his energy into demonizing Linda rather than caring for his children. She wishes he would get some therapy so that her children will not need it instead. Not only does Billy never see his children, he's never provided any financial support. As his children mature, they will see this as yet another sign he didn't care. Most frequently, men like Billy do love their children, and privately agonize that they are terrible fathers. There are, however, no consequences for Billy, which only encourages Billy to resist finding the help he needs to become a responsible father. If men who abandoned their children were treated with the same antipathy as the women who do so, they would be far more likely to seek help.
This same society that forgives Billy has little sympathy for Linda; she has 'made her bed' and not only will she suffer the consequences, so will her children. Linda is even more disturbed by the society that doesn't care about children living in poverty as she is upset with Billy. A society that punishes women for picking neglectful men is one that punishes children for the 'sins' of their fathers. We need to advance from biblical times.
Women like Ellen and the widow Jane need support. But there are few women or men who grasp the extent of the pressure these women sustain. I would challenge every MP in Canada to spend a month in Ellen or Jane's shoes. I imagine that policies in regards to 'sole' parents might change, and that there might be more aid offered to these parents, whether female or male, who are faced with such a challenge.
Deb Wiles
The newest incarnation of the single mother is the one who shares parenting with her ex. Let's take 'Sarah'. Sarah was married to a lovely man, 'Tom', and went through a smooth divorce. Because Sarah is a working woman and because Tom wants to spend as much time as possible with his children, the kids live one week at Sarah's and one week at Tom's. They live on the same block. They are co-parents. Sarah has more free time than her married friends. Sarah's got it good. But she still calls herself a single mother, and this causes a certain amount of silent resentment amongst her women friends who think Sarah is living the life of riley while playing for sympathy at the same time.
A different group of women married men who make 'big bucks' in demanding careers. These men provide both alimony and child support. 'Tina' has the day to day job of raising the children, which is no small feat, but she doesn't have to work outside the home. Bill takes the kids every second weekend, for two weeks in the summer, and for a week during Christmas holidays. Bill is a good and loving father who has begun to resent his high powered job that requires him to work 80 hours a week and only offers 3 weeks vacation a year.
The next group of women is similar to the one above, minus the alimony. These women, like 'Sharon,' are far more stressed than Tina. Every second weekend can't come fast enough. Sharon's husband does provide minimal child support but Sharon has to work. She was married for 12 years and didn't plan on working. She has few skills and now finds herself working for a pittance as an office assistant. She wishes that she had an ex that was willing to share parenting time since she finds the demands of working and being the only parent at home more than exhausting. She can't help but think she should have been more superficial when she married, maybe checked his income tax report.
Things get worse for the next group. This is the group of women who are the sole parent. This includes women who are widows. Wealthy widows are far better off than poor widows like 'Jane'; money does not erase grief, but is certainly makes life smoother for both the widows and their children. Jane's children have to deal with a mother that is both grief stricken and frantic: she is trying to solve the impossible riddle of how to be two people at one time - the provider and the nurturer.
Then there are the women who fell for men who can not manage fatherhood on any level, but had a devil may care attitude towards procreation. 'Linda' is virtually the only parent of her children simply because her ex 'Billy' has chosen to throw his energy into demonizing Linda rather than caring for his children. She wishes he would get some therapy so that her children will not need it instead. Not only does Billy never see his children, he's never provided any financial support. As his children mature, they will see this as yet another sign he didn't care. Most frequently, men like Billy do love their children, and privately agonize that they are terrible fathers. There are, however, no consequences for Billy, which only encourages Billy to resist finding the help he needs to become a responsible father. If men who abandoned their children were treated with the same antipathy as the women who do so, they would be far more likely to seek help.
This same society that forgives Billy has little sympathy for Linda; she has 'made her bed' and not only will she suffer the consequences, so will her children. Linda is even more disturbed by the society that doesn't care about children living in poverty as she is upset with Billy. A society that punishes women for picking neglectful men is one that punishes children for the 'sins' of their fathers. We need to advance from biblical times.
Women like Ellen and the widow Jane need support. But there are few women or men who grasp the extent of the pressure these women sustain. I would challenge every MP in Canada to spend a month in Ellen or Jane's shoes. I imagine that policies in regards to 'sole' parents might change, and that there might be more aid offered to these parents, whether female or male, who are faced with such a challenge.
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Golding's Dark Horse Collage Deb Wiles Deb Wiles is a multidisciplinary visual artist and writer who lives and works in Toronto, Canada. Presently she runs an art school from her home studio, and paints like a mad thing. You may check out her artwork, read press about her work, and / or contact her by visiting her website at www.debwiles.com |
Single Parenting, Gender, Autonomy, & the Real Meaning of Pussy Whipped
Nov. 21, 2008Deb Wiles
Being a single Mom is difficult labor intensive work. Single parenting demands that you think on your feet while multi - tasking past your point of endurance. Single women with no children cannot fathom what havoc single parenting reeks on one's autonomy.
Although some women chose to be single parents (I did), most don't, their marriages break up and most often they unceremoniously (and resentfully?) become a single Mom. Most single women imagine having a man in the picture, their future husband, and although they may imagine many things about who their husband will be, and how he will be, most women don't imagine that he will just be gone, leaving them with the children. Even though statistically this frequently happens to the modern family, for some dysfunctional reason we just can't come to terms with the facts, so continue to delude ourselves with illusions of manicured perfection. Even a whisper of the possibility of single parenting to a young single woman with her eye on the diamond may cause her to run to her bed and hide under the blankets, or at the very least she will cut her eyes at you to tell you that she knows you're just jealous of her brilliant youth and future.
Most single men with no children never bother to entertain the idea being a single parent in the future, the woman is a biological necessity, therefore they imagine her in the picture. When some single men think of having children, they don't consider that it will require them to sacrifice any more of their autonomy than they have to sacrifice to be with a woman. And we know autonomy is not something that men such as these like to sacrifice (and if they think of it at all, will consider it a birthright). The derogatory slang term "pussy whipped", generally slung by ignorant lazy irresponsible men at their opposites, is commonly meant to infer that a man is under the thumb of 'his woman' (the i.l.i. 's maintain the woman should be under the man's control). While in reality "pussy whipped" connotes a man who privileges interpersonal relationships & community, prioritizing the inherent responsibilities of each, above his fight flight singular autonomy.
N. Lukanovich
Although some women chose to be single parents (I did), most don't, their marriages break up and most often they unceremoniously (and resentfully?) become a single Mom. Most single women imagine having a man in the picture, their future husband, and although they may imagine many things about who their husband will be, and how he will be, most women don't imagine that he will just be gone, leaving them with the children. Even though statistically this frequently happens to the modern family, for some dysfunctional reason we just can't come to terms with the facts, so continue to delude ourselves with illusions of manicured perfection. Even a whisper of the possibility of single parenting to a young single woman with her eye on the diamond may cause her to run to her bed and hide under the blankets, or at the very least she will cut her eyes at you to tell you that she knows you're just jealous of her brilliant youth and future.
Most single men with no children never bother to entertain the idea being a single parent in the future, the woman is a biological necessity, therefore they imagine her in the picture. When some single men think of having children, they don't consider that it will require them to sacrifice any more of their autonomy than they have to sacrifice to be with a woman. And we know autonomy is not something that men such as these like to sacrifice (and if they think of it at all, will consider it a birthright). The derogatory slang term "pussy whipped", generally slung by ignorant lazy irresponsible men at their opposites, is commonly meant to infer that a man is under the thumb of 'his woman' (the i.l.i. 's maintain the woman should be under the man's control). While in reality "pussy whipped" connotes a man who privileges interpersonal relationships & community, prioritizing the inherent responsibilities of each, above his fight flight singular autonomy.
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Are Afghan Lives Worth Less Than Ours?
Nov. 13, 2008N. Lukanovich
Canadian journalist Melissa Fung was released on Nov. 8, after being kept hostage for a harrowing 4 weeks in an underground cave in Maidan Wardak, Afghanistan. This was definitely a good news story for Melissa Fung and her family and friends. But, no matter how ugly the ordeal, in comparison to female Afghan journalists who have been gunned down in their homes or on their way to work, she is one lucky girl.
After all, Melissa Fung, unlike her Afghan peers, chose to be in Afghanistan. It's a story that raises many questions. Whether or not the Canadian government and the Afghan government are telling the truth when they claim that there was no ransom or exchange of prisoners is the first.
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N. Lukanovich
After all, Melissa Fung, unlike her Afghan peers, chose to be in Afghanistan. It's a story that raises many questions. Whether or not the Canadian government and the Afghan government are telling the truth when they claim that there was no ransom or exchange of prisoners is the first.
continue reading >>
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Broken I took this photograph on a walk across a little bridge from Smith Street along Union Street in Brooklyn, NY on my birthday. There's something tragic in the form. Made me think of a horse or a woman, some living thing that was once majestic and beautiful but has now been broken and discarded. Alison Morton Alison Morton is a web designer based in Maine. To view her web designs click on: www.virtualison.com |
Women in Afghanistan - Before and After the Taliban
Nov. 7, 2008N. Lukanovich
The status of women in Afghanistan has bounced up and down like a yo-yo during the last century, entirely dependant upon the leader or ruler, or the occupying forces. When the U.S. invaded Afghanistan with coalition forces, including Canada, there was a lot of rhetoric about the need for women's rights, but the pre-911 coziness of US government officials with the Taliban should have been an indication that women's rights were more of an excuse than a reason for occupying the beleaguered nation.
Before the Taliban:
The culture of Afghanistan is traditionally nomadic and tribal, the terrain is harsh and unforgiving, and the population sparse and diverse. Dissent between warring factions has been the historical pattern, a national consensus nearly impossible to achieve. The interpretation of Islam was varied, but like other nomadic regions in the world the interpretation of Islam was particularly harsh towards women, tribal laws superceding any concessions to women in Islamic law. Marriages were considered to be alliances between tribes, women were pawned into marriage, education was forbidden for women, and women were to be silent, veiled, and absolutely obedient to husband and family.
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Before the Taliban:
The culture of Afghanistan is traditionally nomadic and tribal, the terrain is harsh and unforgiving, and the population sparse and diverse. Dissent between warring factions has been the historical pattern, a national consensus nearly impossible to achieve. The interpretation of Islam was varied, but like other nomadic regions in the world the interpretation of Islam was particularly harsh towards women, tribal laws superceding any concessions to women in Islamic law. Marriages were considered to be alliances between tribes, women were pawned into marriage, education was forbidden for women, and women were to be silent, veiled, and absolutely obedient to husband and family.
continue reading >>
Click to Next Page
