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A Tale About Santa ClausDec. 18, 2008
Thursday Dec 18, 2008 7:45 GMT
Santa Claus was thrown into a London jail yesterday for drunken disorderly conduct and lewd and lascivious behavior. Police Constable Hedunnit of the Scotland Yard stated Santa lost control in the Toy Kingdom section at Harrods Department Store, staggering into a pyramid of Beefeater teddy bears while allegedly screaming "I love you Satan." One witness, Mrs. I'mallthat, claims he then opened his fly, but other witnesses dismissed this allegation and stated he didn't actually open his fly but instead grabbed his crotch as part of a lame attempt at hip hop dancing.
Protests were rapidly organized and held today in several European and North American cities, with the hopes of liberating Santa before Christmas. Children marched and waved about signs with "Free Santa" emblazed in red, while shouting "He's our man; let him out of the can!" Schools here, there, and everywhere, have brought in counselors to mollify children so disturbed by the events that they are refusing to eat, and can only sit listlessly and stare at the blackboard. Many are threatening to go on a hunger strike until Santa is released.
Mrs. Claus is reported to be on her way from the North Pole, and will be accompanied by at least one of the elves. After meeting with legal team, she will hold a press conference later this evening.
Mrs. Claus Meets the Press
Thursday Dec 18, 2008 19:55 GMT
Mrs. Claus was visibly distressed at the press conference, but summoned up the courage to speak frankly to the crowd. With Santa's lawyers, Tweedledee and Tweedledum on either side, she claimed that Santa had been under a lot of pressure; it was too much of a burden to keep up with the growing demands of children, especially during the recession. She begged for compassion from the court.
How was Santa bearing up in the clink? "He's terrifically distraught about the incident and filled with remorse. He hopes that his many years of dispensing joy and Christmas spirit will be taken into consideration by the judge."
What about his comments vis-a-vis Satan? Tweedledee took over the microphone: "Mr. Claus has no relationship with Satan whatsoever. They have never met and there is no record of any communication between them. He has, however, always been partial to bacon, so we believe he actually said "I love you bacon", and not "I love you Satan."
Mrs. Claus then responded to questions about the reindeer: "Some are coping better than others. Rudolf has been the hardest hit, and refuses to come out of his room. Dancer and Prancer are pillars of strength, and doing their best to keep the other reindeer optimistic and focused on their duties."
Santa is slated to appear before the judge tomorrow morning.
Santa Goes Missing
Friday Dec 19, 2008 2:15 GMT
Police Constable Hedunnit has reported this morning that Santa escaped from his jail cell sometime between midnight and 6:00 GMT. The guards on duty were discovered drawing smiley faces with banana frosting on the walls of Santa's cell. When asked to explain the missing Claus, they giggled helplessly then asked for more cake.
Tweedledee and Tweedledum have no comments for the press at this time, but an unnamed source has revealed to Reuters that an elf and at least one reindeer may have been involved; green felt fibers and muddy hoof prints were found at the scene by a forensic specialist from Scotland Yard.
Crowds waiting for his arrival in front of the courthouse cheered wildly at the news of his escape, and threw tinsel and caramel popcorn into the air, breaking into a rousing rendition of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus."
Interpol has been alerted and an internal police investigation will follow in the next weeks.
In the meantime, children will be putting up stockings with the fervent hope that Santa will be shimming down chimneys come Christmas.
Ever so glad that Santa escaped from prison. I mean really, did they think they could keep a guy who can come down chimneys in houses without fireplaces locked up behind some measly bars? I thank God for Dancer and Prancer, two highly underrated reindeer who are always coming through in times of crisis. I think Rudolf ought to pull himself together and stop being such a prima donna. As for Santa's relationship to Satan: well it's obvious that their names are anagrams of each other and therefore they must be somehow related according to the universal laws of the Grand Poo Bah.