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Stephen Harper Doll
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How to Make a Stephen Harper Doll

Jan. 16, 2009
N. Lukanovich

There's barrels of fun and amusement in the practice of arts and crafts, and with a project like the Stephen Harper doll, the entertainment (and therapeutic effects) can last as long as he resides, the devil that he is, in the flaming hot bowels of 24 Sussex Drive.

How to begin? You will need a stiff long object to use as your base; I suggest a wooden spoon that knows how to lie like a rug. Once the doll is complete, it will double as a spanking tool for Liberals, NDP, and rebellious Conservatives. Spanking the Bloq is a risky business and only advised for those who can withstand brutal retribution.

Second, ram the end of the wooden spoon through a butternut squash with glee and satisfaction. The yellowish tinge of this vegetable is a perfect fit for the PM who ran away from the House like a lily-livered coward.

Side bar: rumour has it that the ancient Greeks - in their obvious wisdom - would slaughter an animal before a battle; if the liver was a healthy deep red/brown, it was a good sign. If the liver was pale they would either march, sail, or sally forth into certain death with terror coursing through their veins or retreat from battle. The fear induced by the appearance of a whitish liver no doubt inspired the phrase 'lily-livered', indicating a weakling who lacked the bloodlust necessary to face an onslaught of sharp pointy spears wielded by brutish men clanking about in metal armour.

The next thing you need is a head. I highly recommend a tomato. It's the fruit that tastes like a vegetable, so thereby thwarts Harper's stated preference not to be a vegetable: "Let me say this: I would choose, if I had to, instead to be a fruit. Just what I am, sweet and colourful."

There are numerous options for the facial details; capers or green peas for eyes, a piece of carrot or potato for the nose, a chili pepper for the mouth. Slice and dice to your heart's content, the possibilities are endless.

What to put on this head? Even though Harper is the proprietor of a truly complex and mystical head of hair (will not ruffle in a hurricane), I suggest twigs of parsley (preferably Italian) for both his hair and the new beard that will deliver heaps of gratuitous fun. Harper is clean shaven, but does on occasion confuse himself with God: "If Ottawa giveth, then Ottawa can taketh away." When your doll is finished, you too can pretend to be lord and master of the universe by intoning these words of the omniscient one while shaking your Harper doll at bag of helpless chestnuts or a basket of beets.

You can use toothpicks for arms, and since the man doesn't have a leg to stand on: we're done. Now all you need is 141 potatoes to represent his silent, well controlled army of MP's, one alfalfa sprout to represent Flaherty (who never shuts up), and then appoint 18 tins of caviar as senators that will magically reform the senate with neither a majority in the senate nor approval from the provinces.

When you eventually tire of making Stephen Harper noises and the head begins to rot, it's time to roast your veggie kebob. It might scream out "PROROGUE!" when it spies the sizzling hot grill, so prevent it from making eye contact with your Governor General doll (made of sugar and spice and all things nice) and repeat the phrase: "What Ottawa giveth, Ottawa can taketh away." He may clutch at you desperately with his toothpick arms and beseech your sympathies, those pea green eyes burrowing into your very heart and soul, but be strong and detached, like Harper. Remind him that that the fundamentals of the economy are solid, and you're sure he'll find a part-time job to replace the full-time one he has now.

So douse your doll in bbq sauce and let it fry. If you find the meal difficult to digest, drink a glass of wine and keep the faith, the rumblings in your stomach simply mean that Harper is returning to his natural state: a billowing cloud of flatulence.

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Text and Images: Property of Natasha J. Lukanovich or contributors - Writers and Artists as Named