Stephen Harper Doll

Digital Photo Collage

How to Make a Stephen Harper Doll

Jan. 16, 2009
N.J. Lukanovich

There's barrels of fun and amusement in the practice of arts and crafts, and with a project like the Stephen Harper doll, the laughs can last as long as he resides, the devil himself, in the flaming hot bowels of Sussex Drive.

To begin: find a long stiff object to use as your base; I suggest a wooden spoon that knows how to lie like a rug. Once the doll is complete, it will double as a spanking tool for whichever party/politician is begging for it. Except the Green Party - Greenies are never spanked and only suffer interminable time-outs.

Second, ram the end of the wooden spoon through a butternut squash while screaming the epithet of your choice ("you f'cker" comes to mind). The yellowish tinge of this vegetable is a perfect fit for the PM who ran away from the House like a lily-livered coward, and the wooden spoon will finally give him the spine of his dreams.

The next thing you need is a head. I highly recommend a tomato. It's the fruit that tastes like a vegetable, so thereby thwarts Harper's stated preference not to be a vegetable: "Let me say this: I would choose, if I had to, instead to be a fruit. Just what I am, sweet and colourful."

There are numerous options for the facial details; capers or green peas for eyes, a piece of carrot or potato for the nose, a chili pepper for the mouth. Slice and dice to your heart's content, the possibilities are endless.

For the mysterious head of hair that refuses to ruffle in the wind, I suggest using twigs of Italian parsley and a spot of shellac. The same can be used to create a beard because God always has a beard and Harper needs one too, "If Ottawa giveth, then Ottawa can taketh away." When your doll is finished, you can pretend to be lord and master of the universe by intoning these same words while shaking your Harper doll at bag of helpless chestnuts or a basket of beets.

Toothpicks are the perfect choice for his arms, and since the man doesn't have a leg to stand on, we're done. Now all you need is 141 potatoes to represent his silent, well controlled army of MPs, one alfalfa sprout to represent Flaherty (who never shuts up), and then appoint 18 tins of caviar as senators that will magically reform the senate with neither a majority in the senate nor approval from the provinces.

When you eventually tire of making Stephen Harper noises and the head begins to rot, it's time to roast your veggie kebob. It may screech "PROROGUE!" when it spies the sizzling hot grill, so prevent it from making eye contact with your Governor General doll (made of sugar and spice and all things nice) and repeat the phrase: "What Ottawa giveth, Ottawa can taketh away." He may clutch at you desperately with his toothpick arms and beseech your sympathies, those pea green eyes burrowing into your very heart and soul, but remain detached, like Harper. Remind him that that the fundamentals of the economy are solid, and you're sure he'll find a part-time job to replace the full-time one he has now.

So douse your doll in bbq sauce and let it fry. If you find the meal difficult to digest, drink a glass of wine and keep the faith, the rumblings in your stomach simply mean that Harper is returning to his natural state: a billowing cloud of flatulence.