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A Tale About Santa Claus
Dec. 18, 2008N. Lukanovich
Reuters UK
Santa's Incarceration
Thursday Dec 18, 2008 7:45 GMT
Santa Claus was thrown into a London jail yesterday for drunken disorderly conduct and lewd and lascivious behavior. Police Constable Hedunnit of the Scotland Yard stated Santa lost control in the Toy Kingdom section at Harrods Department Store, staggering into a pyramid of Beefeater teddy bears while allegedly screaming "I love you Satan". One witness, Mrs. I'mallthat, claims he then opened his fly, but other witnesses dismissed this allegation and stated he didn't actually open his fly but instead grabbed his crotch as part of a lame attempt at hip hop dancing.
Protests were rapidly organized and held today in several European and North American cities, with the hopes of liberating Santa before Christmas. Children marched and waved about signs with 'Free Santa' emblazed in red, while shouting "he's our man; let him out of the can". Some schools in the U.S. have brought in counselors to mollify children so disturbed by the events that they are refusing to eat, and can only sit listlessly and stare at the blackboard. Many are threatening to go on a hunger strike until Santa is released.
Mrs. Claus is reported to be on her way from the North Pole, and will be accompanied by at least one of the elves. She will be meeting with lawyers immediately upon her arrival, and will hold a press conference later this evening.
Mrs. Claus Meets the Press
Thursday Dec 18, 2008 19:55 GMT
Mrs. Claus was visibly distressed at the press conference, but summoned up the courage to speak frankly to the crowd of avaricious reporters. With Santa's lawyers, Tweedledee and Tweedledum on either side, she claimed that Santa had been under a lot of pressure; it was too much of a burden to keep up with the growing demands of children, especially during the recession. She begged for compassion from the court.
How was Santa bearing up in the clink? "He's terrifically distraught about the incident and filled with remorse. He hopes that his many years of dispensing joy and Christmas spirit will be taken into consideration by the judge."
What about his comments vis a vis Satan? Tweedledee took over the microphone: "Mr. Claus has no relationship with Satan whatsoever. They have never met and there is no record of any communication between them. He has, however, always been partial to bacon, so we believe he actually said "I love you bacon", and not "I love you Satan".
Mrs. Claus then responded to questions about the reindeer: "Some are coping better than others. Rudolf has been the hardest hit, and refuses to come out of his room. Dancer and Prancer are pillars of strength, and doing their best to keep the other reindeer optimistic and focused on their duties."
Santa is slated to appear before the judge tomorrow morning.
Santa Goes Missing
Friday Dec 19, 2008 2:15 GMT
Police Constable Hedunnit has reported this morning that Santa escaped from his jail cell sometime between midnight and 6:00 GMT. The guards on duty were discovered drawing smiley faces with banana frosting on the walls of Santa's cell. When asked to explain the missing Claus, they giggled helplessly then asked for more cake.
Tweedledee and Tweedledum have no comments for the press at this time, but an unnamed source has revealed to Reuters that an elf and at least one reindeer may have been involved; green felt fibers and muddy hoof prints were found at the scene by a forensic specialist from Scotland Yard.
Crowds waiting for his arrival in front of the courthouse cheered wildly at the news of his escape, and threw tinsel and caramel popcorn into the air, breaking into a rousing rendition of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus".
Interpol has been alerted and an internal police investigation will follow in the next weeks.
In the meantime, children will be putting up stockings with the fervent hope that Santa will be shimming down chimneys come Christmas.
N. Lukanovich
Santa's Incarceration
Thursday Dec 18, 2008 7:45 GMT
Santa Claus was thrown into a London jail yesterday for drunken disorderly conduct and lewd and lascivious behavior. Police Constable Hedunnit of the Scotland Yard stated Santa lost control in the Toy Kingdom section at Harrods Department Store, staggering into a pyramid of Beefeater teddy bears while allegedly screaming "I love you Satan". One witness, Mrs. I'mallthat, claims he then opened his fly, but other witnesses dismissed this allegation and stated he didn't actually open his fly but instead grabbed his crotch as part of a lame attempt at hip hop dancing.
Protests were rapidly organized and held today in several European and North American cities, with the hopes of liberating Santa before Christmas. Children marched and waved about signs with 'Free Santa' emblazed in red, while shouting "he's our man; let him out of the can". Some schools in the U.S. have brought in counselors to mollify children so disturbed by the events that they are refusing to eat, and can only sit listlessly and stare at the blackboard. Many are threatening to go on a hunger strike until Santa is released.
Mrs. Claus is reported to be on her way from the North Pole, and will be accompanied by at least one of the elves. She will be meeting with lawyers immediately upon her arrival, and will hold a press conference later this evening.
Mrs. Claus Meets the Press
Thursday Dec 18, 2008 19:55 GMT
Mrs. Claus was visibly distressed at the press conference, but summoned up the courage to speak frankly to the crowd of avaricious reporters. With Santa's lawyers, Tweedledee and Tweedledum on either side, she claimed that Santa had been under a lot of pressure; it was too much of a burden to keep up with the growing demands of children, especially during the recession. She begged for compassion from the court.
How was Santa bearing up in the clink? "He's terrifically distraught about the incident and filled with remorse. He hopes that his many years of dispensing joy and Christmas spirit will be taken into consideration by the judge."
What about his comments vis a vis Satan? Tweedledee took over the microphone: "Mr. Claus has no relationship with Satan whatsoever. They have never met and there is no record of any communication between them. He has, however, always been partial to bacon, so we believe he actually said "I love you bacon", and not "I love you Satan".
Mrs. Claus then responded to questions about the reindeer: "Some are coping better than others. Rudolf has been the hardest hit, and refuses to come out of his room. Dancer and Prancer are pillars of strength, and doing their best to keep the other reindeer optimistic and focused on their duties."
Santa is slated to appear before the judge tomorrow morning.
Santa Goes Missing
Friday Dec 19, 2008 2:15 GMT
Police Constable Hedunnit has reported this morning that Santa escaped from his jail cell sometime between midnight and 6:00 GMT. The guards on duty were discovered drawing smiley faces with banana frosting on the walls of Santa's cell. When asked to explain the missing Claus, they giggled helplessly then asked for more cake.
Tweedledee and Tweedledum have no comments for the press at this time, but an unnamed source has revealed to Reuters that an elf and at least one reindeer may have been involved; green felt fibers and muddy hoof prints were found at the scene by a forensic specialist from Scotland Yard.
Crowds waiting for his arrival in front of the courthouse cheered wildly at the news of his escape, and threw tinsel and caramel popcorn into the air, breaking into a rousing rendition of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus".
Interpol has been alerted and an internal police investigation will follow in the next weeks.
In the meantime, children will be putting up stockings with the fervent hope that Santa will be shimming down chimneys come Christmas.
COMMENTS:
Ever so glad that Santa escaped from prison.
I mean really, did they think they could keep a guy who can come down
chimneys in houses without fireplaces locked up behind some measly
bars? I thank God for Dancer and Prancer, two highly underrated reindeer
who are always coming through in times of crisis. I think Rudolf ought
to pull himself together and stop being such a prima donna. As for
Santa's relationship to Satan: well it's obvious that their names are
anagrams of each other and therefore they must be somehow related
according to the universal laws of the Grand Poo Bah.
Maggie Fraser
Dec. 20
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In Conversation with Chicken Little - The Bailouts
Dec. 12, 2008N. Lukanovich
Chicken Little had so charmed me during the first interview, I felt compelled to track her down and continue our conversation. She'd been in favor of the bailout on Wall Street, not enthusiastically, but still…I had to find out what her thoughts were now.
After several days of diligent hunting, I discovered she was in Puerto Vallarta, and this suited me fine, there's nothing quite like a work-vacation. Buoyant that I'd managed to convince my editor that Chicken Little was the soothsayer of our times, I packed my bags and headed to the airport.
I was soon happily ensconced in my hotel, the tropical breeze wafting in through the sliding doors, soothing and melting my icy northern soul. A quick walk to the beach and within moments I spied Chicken Little sprawled out on a lounge chair sizzling under the burning rays, a shade over her eyes, steam rising up from her downy feathers.
I poked her ever so gently and she woke up enraged.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I'd never heard a chicken snarl, and I didn't like it much.
"I wanted to ask you some questions. About, you know, the bailout and stuff."
"Ever heard of email?" She put the shade back over her eyes.
"I don't have your email," I snarled back. "So I was wondering, since the economy's still in the shitter, have you changed your mind about the bailout?" I was ready to listen to every cluck with rapt attention.
"I couldn't give a rat's ass about the bailout." She sat up and grabbed a beer out of her cooler, guzzling it back like a thirsty trucker. "You want one?"
I laid out my towel and got comfy. Chicken Little adjusted her bikini top and launched into a tirade.
"I'm not going to say I was wrong, because what I said was that the bankers had us by the balls. As it was, European leaders were jumping up and down and screaming that the U.S. government should have bailed out Lehman Brothers at the first whiff of trouble rather than let it sink; there's a lot of blame directed at the U.S. for the economic debacles overseas. I also said there needs to be oversight and firm regulations. It's not like I'm in control, you know, I'm just a goddamn chicken that no one listens too, anyway." Her breast heaved, her beak shiny and tremulous. She lit up a smoke, took a big drag, and settled back in her lounge.
I felt a little nervous, but pressed on.
"I suppose you heard about AIG and the execs enjoying retreats and seminars."
"Bunch of self-entitled pricks. Of course I heard. A golf and spa retreat at a resort in California, an executive hunting trip in England, and then a seminar for 150 members of the independent AIG Advisors Group at a resort in Phoenix. All to the tune of 800,000 bucks. They must be bent over double laughing; 150 billion of tax payers coin and they think they can act like royalty. They need re-education Mao style, that's what they need." She flicked her ashes with disdain, "re-education camp, a bit of hard labour, a month or so of digging in the dirt and eating grubs. That'll teach 'em."
"What about the bailout for the Big 3: GM, Chrysler and Ford?"
"I guess they figured they would make like Wall Street and go begging in Washington. The first time they went they arrived in corporate jets! Can you believe the audacity? There's little stomach for handouts after the Wall Street bailout, so there will be a lot more rules: getting rid of the jets for starters, no dividends for shareholders or bonuses to execs till after the loans are paid back, and they'll have to notify Washington about any transactions over 25 million, and submit to audits by the Government Accountability Office. Congress plans to shell out 14 billion in 'loans', not the 34 billion they asked for, about 10 to GM and 4 or 5 to Chrysler. Ford can carry on for the moment and just wants a line of credit. But all three will be demanding far more billions later in 2009; it'll add up to much more than the initially proposed 34 billion."
"Do you think the Big 3 deserve government aid?"
"I don't think they deserve a dime, no one does; they're using the auto-workers to ply for sympathy. They haven't been building fuel efficient cars and the CEO's have been earning between 15-21 million a year to mismanage the companies, so it does seem like failure, once again, is being amply rewarded. And really, considering how much more money the Big 3 will need to stay afloat, there's no guarantee they can pay back the so-called loans." She paused to crack open another beer. "Oh, I forgot, one of the conditions is that the auto-makers have to drop their lawsuits against states that are demanding low-emission standards. They're a bunch of self-entitled pricks just like the guys on Wall Street."
"It doesn't seem fair to small business owners who could use a bailout."
"It's not. Worse than that, there are shelters all over the U.S. turning away families who have no where to live, where's their bailout? The whole thing sickens me." I thought I heard her gagging, but she was cooing with excitement and peering down the beach.
"Here comes my hottie…" a studly rooster sporting a crisp sombrero waved hello. She was suddenly a different chicken entirely, oozing nothing but warmth and sensuality. Shifting more deeply into her lounge, she thrust out her chest, sucked in her gut, and preened carefully for his arrival.
I picked up my towel and stared down at this favorite chicken of mine. "If you could make a recommendation to the Senate, what would it be? There seems to be a deadlock, should they go ahead and pass the legislation?"
"I think they should figure out how far 34 billion would go to house homeless families, and think about taking the loans for the auto industry out of the 700 billion set aside for the financial bailout. I think it's time to stop giving to massive corporations and ignoring the poor." She looked up at me and winked: "It just might be time to storm the Bastille."
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After several days of diligent hunting, I discovered she was in Puerto Vallarta, and this suited me fine, there's nothing quite like a work-vacation. Buoyant that I'd managed to convince my editor that Chicken Little was the soothsayer of our times, I packed my bags and headed to the airport.
I was soon happily ensconced in my hotel, the tropical breeze wafting in through the sliding doors, soothing and melting my icy northern soul. A quick walk to the beach and within moments I spied Chicken Little sprawled out on a lounge chair sizzling under the burning rays, a shade over her eyes, steam rising up from her downy feathers.
I poked her ever so gently and she woke up enraged.
"What the fuck are you doing here?" I'd never heard a chicken snarl, and I didn't like it much.
"I wanted to ask you some questions. About, you know, the bailout and stuff."
"Ever heard of email?" She put the shade back over her eyes.
"I don't have your email," I snarled back. "So I was wondering, since the economy's still in the shitter, have you changed your mind about the bailout?" I was ready to listen to every cluck with rapt attention.
"I couldn't give a rat's ass about the bailout." She sat up and grabbed a beer out of her cooler, guzzling it back like a thirsty trucker. "You want one?"
I laid out my towel and got comfy. Chicken Little adjusted her bikini top and launched into a tirade.
"I'm not going to say I was wrong, because what I said was that the bankers had us by the balls. As it was, European leaders were jumping up and down and screaming that the U.S. government should have bailed out Lehman Brothers at the first whiff of trouble rather than let it sink; there's a lot of blame directed at the U.S. for the economic debacles overseas. I also said there needs to be oversight and firm regulations. It's not like I'm in control, you know, I'm just a goddamn chicken that no one listens too, anyway." Her breast heaved, her beak shiny and tremulous. She lit up a smoke, took a big drag, and settled back in her lounge.
I felt a little nervous, but pressed on.
"I suppose you heard about AIG and the execs enjoying retreats and seminars."
"Bunch of self-entitled pricks. Of course I heard. A golf and spa retreat at a resort in California, an executive hunting trip in England, and then a seminar for 150 members of the independent AIG Advisors Group at a resort in Phoenix. All to the tune of 800,000 bucks. They must be bent over double laughing; 150 billion of tax payers coin and they think they can act like royalty. They need re-education Mao style, that's what they need." She flicked her ashes with disdain, "re-education camp, a bit of hard labour, a month or so of digging in the dirt and eating grubs. That'll teach 'em."
"What about the bailout for the Big 3: GM, Chrysler and Ford?"
"I guess they figured they would make like Wall Street and go begging in Washington. The first time they went they arrived in corporate jets! Can you believe the audacity? There's little stomach for handouts after the Wall Street bailout, so there will be a lot more rules: getting rid of the jets for starters, no dividends for shareholders or bonuses to execs till after the loans are paid back, and they'll have to notify Washington about any transactions over 25 million, and submit to audits by the Government Accountability Office. Congress plans to shell out 14 billion in 'loans', not the 34 billion they asked for, about 10 to GM and 4 or 5 to Chrysler. Ford can carry on for the moment and just wants a line of credit. But all three will be demanding far more billions later in 2009; it'll add up to much more than the initially proposed 34 billion."
"Do you think the Big 3 deserve government aid?"
"I don't think they deserve a dime, no one does; they're using the auto-workers to ply for sympathy. They haven't been building fuel efficient cars and the CEO's have been earning between 15-21 million a year to mismanage the companies, so it does seem like failure, once again, is being amply rewarded. And really, considering how much more money the Big 3 will need to stay afloat, there's no guarantee they can pay back the so-called loans." She paused to crack open another beer. "Oh, I forgot, one of the conditions is that the auto-makers have to drop their lawsuits against states that are demanding low-emission standards. They're a bunch of self-entitled pricks just like the guys on Wall Street."
"It doesn't seem fair to small business owners who could use a bailout."
"It's not. Worse than that, there are shelters all over the U.S. turning away families who have no where to live, where's their bailout? The whole thing sickens me." I thought I heard her gagging, but she was cooing with excitement and peering down the beach.
"Here comes my hottie…" a studly rooster sporting a crisp sombrero waved hello. She was suddenly a different chicken entirely, oozing nothing but warmth and sensuality. Shifting more deeply into her lounge, she thrust out her chest, sucked in her gut, and preened carefully for his arrival.
I picked up my towel and stared down at this favorite chicken of mine. "If you could make a recommendation to the Senate, what would it be? There seems to be a deadlock, should they go ahead and pass the legislation?"
"I think they should figure out how far 34 billion would go to house homeless families, and think about taking the loans for the auto industry out of the 700 billion set aside for the financial bailout. I think it's time to stop giving to massive corporations and ignoring the poor." She looked up at me and winked: "It just might be time to storm the Bastille."
COMMENTS:
I'm sorry but that photo of Chicken Little storming the Bastille is
gorgeous.
Maggie Fraser
Dec. 12
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